Leaving Again

I'm packing again today. I will be packing and living out of a smaller and less and less homey space for the next 12 days or so.

I hate this part.

I came out of the broom closet over the weekend to my family. They were tolerant, but treated it like a phase. Like I had decided to join the church of my little pony or something.

I didn't like that part either.

I am feeling a sadness within me. I feel cutoff from so many things.

Being a Libra, I need a home. A home with everything in its proper place, with a soft place to sit, and a warm place to lay my head. I like things neatly arranged. This disruption in my space has me feeling nearly crazy.

Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to which goddess I might be meant to follow. I often wonder if it is Hera or Juno. I would never have thought this. But you know, I am an indecisive and fretful person. I rethink my decisions many times. But I have NEVER rethought my engagement, and I don't think I will. It just seems like the right thing. To rethink it seems as strange as rethinking whether or not to wash my face in the morning. It feels like a no brainer.

And the home thing- the home is where Hera and Juno live. And I do so love being in my home.

Dresses

Wow. All I can say is- wow.

In my preliminary search for wedding things, I've realized quickly there is an entire industry out there just dying to sell you tons and tons of stuff. Stuff you probably don't need- but the idea is to convince you that this day in your life won't be complete without this or that, or a dress whose cost could build four new hospitals in Kenya.

This is where the cheekiness of the internet steps in to just make life a little funnier. I've become addicted to these collection of websites online that archive the ugliest wedding and bridesmaids dresses for posterity. Man. oh. man. They are ug-lee.

Check these out:

um.....Engaged?

So how many posts can I begin here with the words, "Holly Friggin' Cow"?

How quickly life changes. Since I started this blog so much has become different. Logging my life on here, trying to sort it out, I realize that I- we- do much of our thinking on our feet. From the moment we are born, we are on our way to dying. Bodies set out in the world like huge battery packs, winding down over decades, I think that we learn to process things of the heart and spirit on our feet, quickly, so that we don't spend too much time ruminating. There is just so much to do, and the clock is ticking.

So since my last entry I did indeed Rock The House at CLI. It absolutely gave me a beautiful gift. I know now for sure that I want to teach. I feel like it's almost a calling. I loved it more than I can say. The amazing journey of learning and humility that teaching takes you on tests your mind, heart, spirit, and body every day. My students taught me so much- they were each and every one of them amazing people. Nothing has mad me work harder than teaching. Nothing has ever made me want to work that hard. Nothing has made me eager to get back to work like that. I didn't want it to be over in many ways.

I quit graduate school. Well, really I just took a leave of absence for a year. But in reality, I don't see myself coming back. Best to leave doors open a crack if you can- I try not to board up too awfully many rooms in my house. But, the way life looks from here, this moment, I won't be going back. I am left with a grief about it, though it is of a less intense character than what I expected. As I have said here before, leaving grad school is the death of a dream. Not the giving up of one, but the death of one. And there is a difference. The former is a sacrifice the latter is a painful discovery.

We should all do what we are capable of in this life. And I have come to suspect that I am capable of teaching, and hopefully teaching well. And I want to do what I am capable of. I want to help. I want to sing my place in the whirl of life. I am not here for long, and I want to bring pride and so much shiny-ness to the small little place that is mine for this lifetime.

So the plan is that I will move to Madison, which I'm doing in two weeks. I have a job there- a good job, but not really that aligned with my interests. Anyway, I plan to work the job for a while. A year or more. Then I plan to re-evaluate where I am. If the teaching bug still is within me, I'm going to look to getting involved in an alt. certification program in the state of Wisconsin and teach my heart out.

My boyfriend, or I guess fiancee (how DO you spell that word?!) now, is working on getting a job in Madison and will move up there as soon as he does. He's interviewed for one already, and jobs there in his field come up frequently.

In many ways, I wish I wasn't leaving Chicago. I finally have some friends here that I really like- many through staff friendships at CLI- and it is now that I'm going to up and leave! But moving to new cities is kind of what I do it seems. Going here, going there. So off to Madison it is now.

Oh, I guess I ought to say how we were engaged and all. We went to Madison on August 11 to check out apartments, mostly for me. And then he asked me while we were on the lake. I of course said yes, and the ducks were there as witnesses.

I love him very much. However, the idea of a wedding scares me a little, and marriage itself feels like the waters of a lake or swimming pool that I need to get used to bit by bit. I guess this is what engagements are for- people like me who still think marriage is this thing that other people do.

I think we'll get married in a year. Next September seems like a good idea. That is around the time of all my favorite holidays- Mabon especially. And we both like Autumn.

It's funny, you know- now that I have made this decision about graduate school, I see that this blog was mostly geared towards logging my position on that road. Where was I? What had I seen? What evidence was there to tell me what I might do? Words are like these tiny lanterns in the dark that help you remember the shape of yourself- what your feet look like and your name. Now that I have come out of that road into something new, I feel less of a lonely traveler. And part of me misses the loneliness. Part of me is terrified to give it up to another who wishes to walk beside me for all my days.

I wonder sometimes- will he walk slower? Will he rush ahead of me? Will he want to eat the same things, sleep at the same times, will he know when to be silent and when to be profane?

The journey towards a something is a big deal. The journey towards a someone seems like it is even more.

And I guess that now, that is a the task and the thing to work out.