Thursday, November 01, 2007

a most unwelcome guest

The knitting proceeds, but perhaps this is not destined to become a knitting blog just yet. I think this blog still has a purpose to serve for me outside of the work of my hands.

I live in Wisconsin now. And that’s fine. I have left graduate school behind. I got my master’s degree and split. I don’t miss it. I don’t think I ever will. I feel lucky to have pulled the escape cord when I did.

My job is fine. My apartment is fine. My dog is fine.

Despite all this, I am slightly less so.

Something is not right these days. A cyclical visitor is making its way back to me. I am full of doubt and chaos.

I am a witch. At least, I fancy myself so. I want to be. But oftentimes I feel that I am somehow not magickal enough. I am not spiritual enough. I am not feeling the right things, dreaming the right dreams, seeing the right visions. Whatever that means.
I listen to other pagans share stories of magickal events that occur around them. Synchronicities, abilities, moments of wonder. I do not see any of those stories in my own life. Am I just not looking hard enough? Am I thinking too hard? I have no idea.

Last night was Halloween- Samhain. I sat and stared at a candle flame for a while. Nothing.

Eventually my head felt heavy and I felt a little trance-y (like being drunk but without the stupid feeling).

I got more out of the walk I took earlier with my dog. But during that walk I simply felt sad for our earth, as I do so often when I walk in the city. Sometimes I think Gaia is sad and a bit angry at the wrongs we have done her. I almost swear I could hear her cry out and say am I not beautiful enough as I am? Why have you done this to me?

But is that me talking? Is that really some message? Or is it me daydreaming while I walk? And truly Gaia cannot be in that much pain, can she? I suppose she could.
I keep thinking of what I’m supposed to be doing here. Who am I? Am I on the right spiritual path? What are my gifts? Talents?

Sometimes I swear I have none, I cannot see any. Other witches are blessed with abilities to heal or teach or sing or feel or whatever. The list goes on. Today I cannot name a single thing that I feel I am.

Sometimes I think I might be an empath. But then I read about the characteristics of them and I think no, I cannot do those things. I cannot sense people’s feelings if I am not near them or speaking to them. And then I begin to dislike myself immensely for thinking I might’ve been someone as rare and special as an empath.

Today is a darker day for me. I’m sure the sun will shine again on me tomorrow, but as long as this visitor of doubt is at my hearth, I am gloomy.