Tuesday, April 01, 2008

bits and pieces

I'm not doing much writing these days, though I'm getting the itch again. It's hard for me to stick with this blog, because it represents feelings during a time and in a place that I am so glad to have escaped. I sometimes wish all that had just never been. Even though I know I had to leave school, I feel a twinge of shame and failure over it. I wish I was one of those rare people for whom that life is fitting. But I'm not. Now I work in Wisconsin at a desk job. And may my teenage self and the ghost of Jack Kerouac forgive me, I like it. And I am struggling to forgive myself for that.

And I'm getting married.

And while I love the person I'm marrying, and while I said yes, I can't send my fabric off to have my wedding dress made. Because then I feel like it's really going to happen. And if it's really going to happen, then the wedding becomes incredibly funereal, and I am going to throw all my old dreams and visions of myself onto the fire.

Who will I be afterwards?

It isn't as though I just took off for adventures into the wilds of life while I was dating him. Or while we lived apart for three years. But I guess I could have. And now I really can't. Now we'll start nesting and start to gather the years in around us, like little gaudy treasures. We'll start to drip with time, and we'll be caked with property and commitments. Making a change and turning a new corner will be harder now. He says it will be easier, because we'll have someone else to help. But I think you travel easiest when you travel light. And besides, he's assuming that we'll always be on board with eachother's little flights of fancy. He always assumes that change pushes us into better and better worlds. And no matter how many times life has shown otherwise, he never reconsiders this. It isn't dogged determination to look on the sunny side. It just doesn't occur to him to put all these peices together. Maybe that very ignorance should finally occur to me.

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