Dear Seals of La Jolla,
I'm sorry that people keep swimming on your beach. Some people, dear seals, as simply assholes. Having been around dolphins, who I hear are also assholes, I'm sure you can understand this.

While I did enjoy our conversation, I admit I was rather let down at the very small pool of topics we could discuss. Fish, fishing, being near fish, hunting fish, swimming with fish, eating fish, and thinking about eating fish are all well and good, but might I suggest a fucking hobby?

Please understand this letter is meant as a tough love approach to what I only hope is your safe and secure future. I mean, no offense, but maybe if you strove to be more worldly you wouldn't be endangered. I'm just saying.

Next time I come out there to visit, how about we each promise to have read a book? It can be something high brow or just fun. I hear Le Divorce is some great chicklit! Then we can all watch the movie with Kate Hudson and the other blonde lady that used to be Nicole Kidman's date all the time.

In anticipation of that time, let's also work on the barking, ok? When we went to see Love Actually I nearly missed all the soft core emoti-porn undertones of the film with all your noise.

See you again soon,
Best wishes,
Bea