For those who are about to ROCK- We salute you.

Holy Friggin' Cow.

I'm leaving this morning to be part of the Civic Leadership Institute at UIC. I'll be gone for three weeks. No dog, no boyfriend, no apartment. I'll be staying in a dorm.

I haven't been able to sleep hardly at all leading up to this. I'm anxious but I can't say exactly why. If I was doing this and could live at home I would be okay I think. It's just the thought that I have to take on a new challenge without all my usual supports. Usually if I get scared to do something I just tell myself- when it's over, you'll come home, lock the door behind you, and sit with just you and your dog. But I can't tell myself that this time.

This isn't exactly a test. But this is a big thing for me to do and do calmly. Because I need to learn from this that home is inside me.

When I saw the Dalai Llama here a few months ago, he talked about how the world is a place that is often filled with thorns. To protect yourself, you could cover the whole world in leather. But that would mean a never ending all obsessive project that would never be done. When would you have time to live? And all in all, there would never be enough leather anyway.

Alternatively, you could wrap just your feet in leather. And then you could go anywhere, do anything, and know that you would be okay.

And that is what I need to learn out of this anxiety provoking experience. Growing up in a house filled with fear, my solution to anxiety now is to try and control everything around me- to make my world very very small, hermetic, controlled. The problem is that this limits what I am able to do. It limits me meeting new people, engaging in activities (like CLI) that I might want to do, but feel I can't because it seems too scary. Too 'putting myself out there' kind of thing. I've been trying to shift myself in a new direction. To believe that deep inside me there is a core that cannot be easily assailed. There is a core that will stand me in good stead no matter how difficult or easy the path, no matter whether I am in an arctic climate or a tropical one, no matter what kind of people I find myself near.

I have often asked myself- what is this supposed to do for me? What do I want out of this? I was surprised to get this job. It kinda plopped into my lap. So, what about it? I think it is for me to prove to myself that I have come a long way. That I am on the path to developing this inner core. That even when I choose to set out into a new experience with nothing but me and some enthusiasm, that I can take care of me. That it will be okay, and that I will rock the house.

Is that enough of a goal? To rock the house? Hmmm. I think so. And I kind of like that goal.

Okay, Bea- ROCK THE HOUSE.